The feeling that I might have lost him forever seeps through me like a deadly virus.

If he’s gone, then I would be gone too considering how mentally and emotionally connected we are.

He is my entire life, my pillar of support, voice of reason, personal comedy central, handy man, hugging machine, biggest critic and adoring boyfriend.

My heart is literally aching right now. I don’t know where he is, or how he’s been. I miss him terribly.

Last night just before the incident we have been our loving, happy selves. Giggling in the cab, laughing. While watching tv before that, he kissed me at the side of my head and then my lips after he forgave me for being caught up at work. I wish he’d kiss me on my forehead because that’s the best kiss ever. It’s always been my favourite.

Everything in my life reminds me of him. Every small detail. Because that’s the kind of couple we are. We speak of everything, share observations, have opposing yet similar sense of humour. We are made for each other.

How can something so right, so perfect go so completely wrong?

How do I fix something that I wasn’t my fault?

How do I separate myself from the entities that surround me?

Why are we letting an idiotic stranger ruin what we have? That’s what he is, a stranger. One moment that ruined it all for us. Why?

We have gone through bigger tribulations. If we are not meant to be together and not strong as a couple, we wouldn’t have made through that line of fire. But we did. And we emerged as strong as ever – stronger even. And for everyday that we’ve had, I’ve said a little prayer for being given the precious gift of being with you.

Happy memories are running through my mind at top speed. Tears are going down my face, making my nose redder by the second.

I miss you. I really do. I feel like my life has been cut short, it’s as if my life support has been suddenly cut off. Maybe it has. I can’t breathe and my heart is aching. Where are you?

We’ve had visions upon visions of getting married, having kids. Growing old together.

I never told you this but I’ve always thought about a time when you will no longer be strong enough to carry me, or look after me or do crazy things with me due to old age. Then I’d wonder, will we know when we are doing certain things for the absolute last time? Like swinging me around, like you always do. You’d not be able to do that when we turn 60, but let’s say the last time we do it is when we are 45. Would we know then that you will never swing me around after that day?

Nope, we will never know. What if yesterday was the last time we’ll ever kiss. or hold hands. or giggle. or hug. I can’t stand the thought of it. It kills me.

I have always been the one who needs to be looked after. And you have always been looking after me full time, since I am so problematic and clumsy and everything. What would I do now when you won’t be there to look out for me in old age?

You’re the only one I want to spend my life with. Only because at the very core of my heart, I know that you are the one for me. We fit like a glove despite being practically opposites. You feel me up with love, joy and laughter everyday. You care and worry too much about me. We have excellent chemistry that can’t be bought by riches or beauty and I want it to last forever.

We’ve always been strong together. We always go against the odds together, and we always survive.

I’m not taking that fact for granted but all I know is that I need you in my life. It’s so sudden. Like I said, it is as if my life support has been cut off from me, without warning – leaving me to a slow and painful death.

Death. Yes, that seems appealing right now. Honestly.

I love you from the very depths of my heart. It’s such a pity that I cannot fix this by saying sorry, mainly because the problem wasn’t caused by me. I feel helpless because it is caused by a random third party. There’s no way I can fix it, because I will only know how to fix this if I caused it.

So here I am, torn to bits – waiting to see what my fate has in store for me. I hate feeling helpless. I need you back here with me. Holding my hands, hugging me and telling me things are gonna be okay. But the thing is, I don’t even know where you are.

And I also need that kiss on the forehead, which always seems to speak volumes, and in a myriad of languages at any one time. Yes, your kisses on my forehead are magical. Every one of them.

I understand that you might need to be alone, to think things through. But please, when you are ready, come back to me because there’s no one else I’d rather be with then you. I’m begging you, please don’t punish me for something I didn’t do.

I miss you.