.: asylum for the sane :.

My hands and fingers are feeling numb. The last time this happened, I passed out in my kitchen soon after.

I remained sick and weak for weeks. I was so afraid I was going to die, or be paralyzed and most importantly losing my independence.

I remember when I woke up from passing out, I still felt numbness in my hands. And I was frightened at losing my memory. So I silently recited to myself: the alphabet, my birthday, lex’s and my anniversary, celebrity birthdays, lyrics – anything and everything that convinced me that I haven’t lost my brain matter.

I still remember the fear I had in me that day, and the weeks after that when I was recovering. I feared unable to do things by myself, to have to rely on others. I couldn’t stand the thought of it.

That was the closest I had to dying in my adult life. But I am no stranger to death.

In fact, the reason why I am still alive and the intelligent (yes I am) and creative individual that I am boils down to my neighbours who were doctors.

Had they not rushed me to the hospital, beating all the red lights – I would have been dead or at best brain dead. And did I mention that I was only 6 months old when that happened?

6 months, not 6 years. What could a 6 month old know about? Nothing. And there I was so close to death. I always wonder what would have happened, if I didn’t pull through then. Or sometimes, I wonder why did I pull through? Is there a reason? Was it a sign that I am a very strong person, even as a baby?

And then as I grew up, there are times when I wonder – what would it be like to die young? Would I be one of those people who died in their teens? Even now, I keep wondering things like – Would I be one of those people who die in their 20s?

Morbid I know, but I can’t help it.

For one thing, I have never pictured myself as an old lady. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t imagine it. And we all know how crazy my imagination can get, so it scares me a little to not be able to even visualize how I’d look like maybe 40 years down the road. or even 20 years.

Perhaps it has to do with me afraid of getting old, I’ve blogged about it before. But it’s like the Flash Forward show. The guy who couldn’t see 6 months into his future – might be dead in 6 months.

Or perhaps it’s my child-like nature that prevents me from imagining things that adults and elderly go through. Like how some people stay forever young?

Whatever it is, everybody has got to go someday whether they like it or not. And as Dumbledore said, “Death is but the next great adventure!”

Maybe I’ll die before 30, or at the ripe age of 75 or just nice at 50. Whatever it is, I just hope to live my life to the fullest and leaving behind traces that do make a difference in people’s life, no matter how insignificant it may be.

Life is a riddle, and life is fragile. Maybe I survived the ordeal at 6 month old, because I am meant to do something great. Or perhaps I was given a chance to start my life on a new slate. There has to be a reason why I survived, because everything happens for a reason.

I’ve always been afraid of getting old. The thought of not being at a stage where anything and everything is possible scares me. The very prospect of having to look a younger generation (which may or may not be better looking or more intelligent or more successful) gives me the creeps.

Then, there’s the physical aspect. Skin won’t be as supple. Sight will be poor, even in broad day light. Wrinkles will make their fancy appearance. Walking will be demoted to hobbling. Hearing will be of a more glorious past. Your wonderful memory becomes your enemy than your ally.

(The memory part scares me most, because it would be such a shame to lose my brilliantly fantastic memory)

All these are part of the reason why I was so enthralled with the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, nothing to do with Brad Pitt of course though he did play a part in a way

The thought of aging backwards is very thought provoking.

It also serves as a lesson wherein suffering comes first then happiness. Don’t know what I mean? Well, Benjamin Button came to this world as an 80 year old man with cataracts and wrinkles. He spent his early childhood in a wheelchair before moving on to a walking stick. While he wasn’t exactly ousted by the neighbourhood kids, he wasn’t in a situation whereby he can run across the street and play catch with other children.

In all his wizened physicality, he was still an innocent child deep within. Still, these didn’t stop people who doesn’t understand his condition to mistake him for a dirty old man and a 70-year-old virgin (at least!)

His early life wasn’t exactly a bed of roses, much to be blamed on his physical impairments. However life only got easier (and better looking, hehe).

As he grew older, he also grew stronger, gained speed and sharpness of mind. He spent most of his golden years with much ease, thanks to the finesse of a young man. He fell in love, he had a child. If only life could remain status quo at the moment when he was at his physical prime as a young, strong man.

Alas, he could only get younger, while everything around him gets older. If there’s any flaw in this whole system, this is it. Everyone just keeps getting older, while you get reduced to infancy – quite literally.

However my point in this whole matter is that, even though a lot of sacrifice had to be made and although he finally has a proper childhood (albeit as a very, very old man) – aging wasn’t painful for Benjamin Button. He grew from a dashing teenager, to an angsty pre-teen, to an adorable child, to a stumbling toddler to finally: an innocent baby.

In parallel to a person who is growing old the normal way, Benjamin also became more and more dependent on the care of others. It’s just that for him, it’s effortless and without pain. And while slowly being submerged into a world of innocence, he slipped away from this world with no worries, no pain and no thoughts.

As morbid as this may sound, I think that would be a very good way to die. Not many people have the privilege of dying in that pristine condition.

However, back to our reality – I guess we really have to live our life to the fullest, because life is short and with every passing day a part of us gets older. It’s just that we do not realize it. We will only realize it one day 20 years from now, which may be too late for anything.

And on a personal note, I guess that when the time comes for me to give way to a younger, better looking generation, I will do it with grace because I would know by then that I have lived my youth to the best that I can. And till then, I am still part of the “young people club” – so let’s celebrate our youth and worry about this whole aging thing, 20 years from now.