.: asylum for the sane :.

The feeling that I might have lost him forever seeps through me like a deadly virus.

If he’s gone, then I would be gone too considering how mentally and emotionally connected we are.

He is my entire life, my pillar of support, voice of reason, personal comedy central, handy man, hugging machine, biggest critic and adoring boyfriend.

My heart is literally aching right now. I don’t know where he is, or how he’s been. I miss him terribly.

Last night just before the incident we have been our loving, happy selves. Giggling in the cab, laughing. While watching tv before that, he kissed me at the side of my head and then my lips after he forgave me for being caught up at work. I wish he’d kiss me on my forehead because that’s the best kiss ever. It’s always been my favourite.

Everything in my life reminds me of him. Every small detail. Because that’s the kind of couple we are. We speak of everything, share observations, have opposing yet similar sense of humour. We are made for each other.

How can something so right, so perfect go so completely wrong?

How do I fix something that I wasn’t my fault?

How do I separate myself from the entities that surround me?

Why are we letting an idiotic stranger ruin what we have? That’s what he is, a stranger. One moment that ruined it all for us. Why?

We have gone through bigger tribulations. If we are not meant to be together and not strong as a couple, we wouldn’t have made through that line of fire. But we did. And we emerged as strong as ever – stronger even. And for everyday that we’ve had, I’ve said a little prayer for being given the precious gift of being with you.

Happy memories are running through my mind at top speed. Tears are going down my face, making my nose redder by the second.

I miss you. I really do. I feel like my life has been cut short, it’s as if my life support has been suddenly cut off. Maybe it has. I can’t breathe and my heart is aching. Where are you?

We’ve had visions upon visions of getting married, having kids. Growing old together.

I never told you this but I’ve always thought about a time when you will no longer be strong enough to carry me, or look after me or do crazy things with me due to old age. Then I’d wonder, will we know when we are doing certain things for the absolute last time? Like swinging me around, like you always do. You’d not be able to do that when we turn 60, but let’s say the last time we do it is when we are 45. Would we know then that you will never swing me around after that day?

Nope, we will never know. What if yesterday was the last time we’ll ever kiss. or hold hands. or giggle. or hug. I can’t stand the thought of it. It kills me.

I have always been the one who needs to be looked after. And you have always been looking after me full time, since I am so problematic and clumsy and everything. What would I do now when you won’t be there to look out for me in old age?

You’re the only one I want to spend my life with. Only because at the very core of my heart, I know that you are the one for me. We fit like a glove despite being practically opposites. You feel me up with love, joy and laughter everyday. You care and worry too much about me. We have excellent chemistry that can’t be bought by riches or beauty and I want it to last forever.

We’ve always been strong together. We always go against the odds together, and we always survive.

I’m not taking that fact for granted but all I know is that I need you in my life. It’s so sudden. Like I said, it is as if my life support has been cut off from me, without warning – leaving me to a slow and painful death.

Death. Yes, that seems appealing right now. Honestly.

I love you from the very depths of my heart. It’s such a pity that I cannot fix this by saying sorry, mainly because the problem wasn’t caused by me. I feel helpless because it is caused by a random third party. There’s no way I can fix it, because I will only know how to fix this if I caused it.

So here I am, torn to bits – waiting to see what my fate has in store for me. I hate feeling helpless. I need you back here with me. Holding my hands, hugging me and telling me things are gonna be okay. But the thing is, I don’t even know where you are.

And I also need that kiss on the forehead, which always seems to speak volumes, and in a myriad of languages at any one time. Yes, your kisses on my forehead are magical. Every one of them.

I understand that you might need to be alone, to think things through. But please, when you are ready, come back to me because there’s no one else I’d rather be with then you. I’m begging you, please don’t punish me for something I didn’t do.

I miss you.

I’ve mentioned in the previous post that in April, we lost 2 weeks of 50 Weeks of Her due to some unforeseen circumstances. So yesterday, FP and I had a wonderful time catching up to Week 6 and Week 7.

So let’s cover Week 6 first shall we?

There’s no out takes for Week 6. Besides, the photo speaks for itself:

Click to enlarge image

It is meant to represent how uninspired and depressed FP was two weeks ago. It is rather depressing to look at this photo but I think that means that the effects intended are successfully transmitted.

It gives out a feeling of solitude, loneliness and sadness – all the negative emotions that I try to avoid as much as I can. However, I think that every photo is an abstract art on its own and thus making perspectives about the photo very subjective.

How would you interpret this photo?

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On a personal note, I’d like to add that we were at this location hours before we did the shoot. We spent really sweet quality time together, taking in nature at its best. It’s lovely spending the last hours of the afternoon at a place so serene, with views of families being together, children playing and nothing but nature surrounding us.

We went for a long walk, holding hands. Watched people as they fish (so many different methods of fishing!), walked over to the jetty, observing what’s left of the oil spill in the waters. To think of Singapore ever having that kind of pollution is just surreal – but there it was. Black, tainted waters.

While waiting for it to get dark enough, we sat in the car and just rested – exhausted from the earlier events of the day (in next post). We lowered our seats, and just talked, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. It was simply a wonderful feeling to just be like that, doing nothing but be with each other. We even had ice cream

To think that it would be like that 24/7 after we get married makes it that much more exciting.

I was truly blissful and happy yesterday, despite the exhaustion that followed. Thank you FP

Finally, the most tiring month ever has come to an end. In fact, this week proved to be the most exhausting week in April and that is saying alot considering how stressful the entire month has been

So let’s go through what went on in April, in a nutshell:

- I started taking a keen interest in baking. Was pushed into baking a birthday cake for FP after some unreliable sources let me down. The cake turned out really nice, with strong hints of my habit of personalizing everything. Since then, I have been baking on a weekly basis – experimenting and learning at the same time.

The fruits of my labour are not yet picture perfect but it’s getting there I have tried baking cupcakes, muffins, fairy cakes and brownies so far. I hope I can improve in due time so that I can practice my other passion, food photography.

- Photoshoots for 50 Weeks of Her were quite futile this month. We missed out 2 weeks of shoots while the other two weeks were engulfed with stumped ideas and concepts. But oh well, we’ll try harder in the month of May.

- We went to watch Cats the Musical! It’s my first musical in years (the last time was about three years back?) It was an okay experience but could have been better, much better. Better seats, next time!

- I got sucked into the world of Sookie Stackhouse (funny how some of the characters sound like they are calling her Sucky) of the True Blood series. Bill Compton makes Edward Cullen look like a boy, and that’s saying alot. I am halfway through the first season and rest assured, I will blog about it. Hehehe. Bill Compton brings broody and intense to a whole new level. Me likey lots lots

- Speaking of vampires, I finally finished reading the Twilight series. I did a really long review/spoiler of it so I shall spare you here

- Work. Work kept me really busy. Other smaller projects got completed. Some other major projects still in the works. This is why, I am so exhausted this month. But it’s okay, because I know that satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment will be attained when everything is finished

- FP and I set up a joint savings account. This was something that we had wanted to do for the longest time. And since our careers have stablilized and we have our own individual savings, we figured it’s high time to set up a fund for our future. It’s really nice to build something together with him. It’s truly a significant event for me – this setting up of our joint account.

- And finally, today FP and I celebrate our 6th year anniversary. 6 amazing years and still counting. We’ve grown together as a couple and individually as persons. Seen each other through schooldays to our current careers. Been through hell and back – we almost lost each other, but in the end of the day we managed to stitch it back together good as new. Believe it or not, we are even closer now and much more stronger than ever before. I love you, FP. If I have to go through hell and back again to find the happiness that we have right now, I would. Can’t wait for forever to begin for us, xoxo.

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I am truly glad April is now over. Hopefully May will be a less stressful and exhausting month. Maybe it is just me who needs to look after myself in a more effective way